Coaching Principles:
Clarity, Focus, Ease and Grace

Choice Magazine, by Maria Nemeth, Ph.D., MCC

Part 1: Clarity

Why did you choose to become a coach? As a licensed clinical psychologist, coaching was a solution I had been seeking for about twenty years.  I had studied a number of psychotherapeutic modalities.  Each brought the client to a certain point of self-discovery. However, there was always that question at the end: now that I feel better, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

In working with thousands of people, I discovered this: it takes just as much, if not more, courage for someone to come for coaching as it does for them to seek out psychotherapy. People are more used to talking about their problems and dilemmas than their possibilities and dreams. As a coach, you hold their ideas and vision in the palm of your hands. People are the most vulnerable when they look at what they long to create. That's why training is so important.

Something else I have learned: there is a difference between a great coach and a masterful coach. If you're a great coach, people leave sessions with you inspired by your brilliance, by the powerful questions you've asked them. When you're a masterful coach, people leave their time with you inspired by their own brilliance, and by the powerful questions they have asked themselves.

There are four principles that have distilled themselves into a delicious essence that pervades my work as a coach and teacher. The principles are: clarity, focus, ease and grace. This series gives you a taste of them and uses questions to show you how to apply the principles that interest you to your own practice as a coach.

CLARITY:

A synonym for clarity is precision. As coaches we know how important it is to be precise with our clients about the differences between coaching, counseling and consulting. Our ability to serve people appropriately is dependent on this understanding.

Looking from a different angle at the principle of clarity: when all is said and done, are we clear that the person we are talking to is-as Joseph Campbell would say-a hero? Do we see the courage and commitment it takes just to be a human being with a heart full of vision and a mind often full of doubts?  Or, do we question our client's commitment, thereby adding to their already existing burden of self-deprecation? No other animal on this planet diminishes itself the way we do. And no other creature is as capable of creative genius.

It may be that the primary reason people come for coaching, whether they are aware of it or not, is to be in the presence of someone who will not give up on them, even when they are tempted to give up on themselves. People flourish when they find someone who will take delight in their goals and dreams. They don't shine when that person goes into collusion with the self-limiting internal conversations that have kept them on the sidelines of their games in life. And part of going into collusion with them is to act as though these internal conversations really mean something about them. They don't. Everyone has them: even the most successful people alive.

Example illustrating clarity:

Joe calls you for his regularly scheduled appointment. He sounds hesitant and finally admits: "I didn't write the ten pages on my book I promised I'd write this week. I feel terrible. I guess I'm not really committed."

Being clear about who he is, how might you respond?
Here's one way:
"Welcome to coaching, Joe. People have coaches precisely for this reason. If we always did what we promised, we wouldn't need them! It took a lot of courage to tell the truth.  And, if you weren't already committed to this project, you wouldn't feel so bad about not writing on your book."

Tools:

For the next week, write the following on a 3X5 card and look at it before your coaching sessions:

• Do I see that this person is a hero with goals and dreams and a desire to make a difference?
• Do I see that it takes courage to be a human being, with a heart full of dreams and a mind full of doubts?
• Am I willing to take delight in this person's goals?
• Do I see that this person is already committed, or else he/she wouldn't be in a coaching relationship to begin with?
• Am I willing to demonstrate that I know these things in the way that I interact with this person?

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Part 2: Focus

Part I of our series looked at the principle of clarity. In part II we look at focus. In your coaching practice, do your clients primarily focus on:

• Concerns or contributions?
• Issues or ideas?
• Analyses or aspirations?
• Guilt or goals?

Many clients come to coaching with a history of looking at the terms on the left hand of each question. It's what they are used to. However, success in life depends on the time we spend focusing on those on the right. Here is a definition of success that is useful when we support people to attain meaningful goals.

Success is doing what you said you'd do in life with clarity, focus, ease and grace.

By this definition success is an inside job. We don't need to compare ourselves with the accomplishments, real or imagined, of others. With this view of success we are not so much interested in the quantity of "things" that we have or do in life, but at the quality of our experience of living itself.

Everyone knows that what we focus on grows in our experience. Focus on red convertibles and you'll see them more of them, now that they are at the center of your attention. Were they always there? Yes. But you weren't looking for them. Neurophysiologists tell us that focusing on thoughts creates synaptic pathways that become like grooves in our brain, thus increasing the probability that we'll think them again.

How to incorporate the principle of focus in our coaching strategies when working with clients' habits of thought?

Example:

This is your fourth session with Susan. Her goal is to swim with the dolphins in Florida in six months. Today she says the following:

"I want to swim with the dolphins. But I'm starting to feel guilty about this goal. It seems so indulgent. I'm saving the money for it. That's not the issue. I just don't feel like I'm entitled to have a goal like this."
As her coach, what do you say? Does telling her not to feel guilty help? No. Do questions designed to have her look logically at the fact that she is entitled to her goals make any difference? Probably not. Consider the following using the principle of focus:

"Susan, you may be used to feeling guilty right before you go for a goal you really want. Is this true? (Susan nods). Let me ask you something: What interests you more: your guilt or swimming with those dolphins? Your guilt may or may not go away. If you want, we could wait another year to see if it does. But which are you truly more interested in right now, your guilt or your goal?
And this is the trick: you must focus on something because you find it interesting in and of itself. Not because you want to get away from another experience. Anything you want to get away from will only pursue you further in your experience. That's because when you think "I want to get away from guilt" the brain only recognizes the word "guilt." And the groove gets deeper.

Tools

• Try the above focus question on a client and see if there is a shift in the focus of his or her attention from the left to the right side of the equation
• Give the definition of success, as outlined above, to a client and ask what they experience as they focus on it

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Part 3: Ease

Are your clients working too hard? Do they report being tired and overwhelmed? Does the thought of taking action toward a goal give them the shudders? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then read on.

The 1960's and 70's saw a less-frenzied, slower pace to life. Our attention span wasn't as short as today. Commercials were a full minute on television that could accommodate jingles. Remember jingles?

What's all this got to do with coaching? In those times it was desirable to support clients to raise the bar, to stretch beyond what they were currently doing. Today many of us have stretch marks from trying to do too much. We've become driven and exhausted. Polls find Americans get 60-90 minutes less sleep than needed. Coffee consumption has risen. and enjoy life fully. And for many this may mean slowing down in order to create and attain meaningful goals and dreams with ease.

Our first steps toward a goal are innately devoid of ease. In the beginning, taking action often requires a tremendous amount of energy. This "lift off" phase of goal-attainment is like trying to get a rocket off the launch pad. A rocket burns 90% of its fuel in the first three minutes as it breaks free of Earth's gravity. Starting a project always takes much more energy-in the form of money, time, physical vitality and other resources-than we thought it would. This is true whether the goal is to launch a new web-site, write a book, plant a garden, or open a restaurant.

In addition, doubts, concerns and worries arise. There is that little voice that tells us: "I'd turn back if I were you." The Buddhists call this Monkey Mind: that aspect of the mind that chatters at us as it swings from doubt to worry. Neurophysiologists suggest that Monkey Mind can be found primarily in the amygdale, the seat of the fight/flight/freeze response. The more you activate the amygdale, the louder the self- limiting conversation becomes. This activation often occurs when we try to do something new, different or challenging-or when trying to do too much at once, like raising the bar.

How to incorporate what we're looking at into a coaching strategy?

Example:

This is Todd's fifth session with you. A general contractor who works on small home- improvement jobs, he's good at what he does and now needs more work. He has a list of former clients who he's sure would be happy to refer him to friends. He tells you:

"It scares me to ask for referrals even though I know they wouldn't mind. I promise to call ten people a day until I get one or two new jobs." As his coach, what do you say?

One suggestion: "Todd, why don't we have you under promise and over deliver? What about making three calls a day for sure? And, would it be ok to enjoy yourself as you contact these people?"

Tools:

• At the beginning of any project, encourage clients to take action that's small and easy enough to go under the Monkey Mind "radar." This usually means lowering the bar instead of raising it.
• Suggest that your clients practice finding something to enjoy about what they're doing, shifting the focus of attention from being frantic to having fun.

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Part 4: Grace

Our final principle is grace. One definition of grace is that it is an unearned blessing. The gateway to grace-to seeing the blessings that surround us-is gratitude.

As a coach you can support your clients to bring gratitude to everyday living. Without it, goal attainment becomes another exercise in simply keeping promises. There is no elegance or enjoyment.

We're not spontaneously grateful. People have a natural tendency to look at what is not working in life. Our brains are hardwired for this. In prehistoric times, when we lived in caves, we didn't have fangs or fur and couldn't run very far. But we did have a brain that could look for everything that could go wrong. That's one of the factors that kept us alive: seeing the possibility of danger. A false-positive (seeing danger when there is none) was a better strategy to protect us from predators than a false negative (seeing no danger when there is).

Fast forward a few hundred millennia. How many wooly Summer Reading mammoths are we likely to run into on our way to work? Try telling that to our brains. They still look for danger as though we were out in a dark forest.

Your clients frequently come to coaching sessions with these fearful conversations in tow. As coaches we often buy into them without knowing it, simply by trying to process, manage, or diminish them. However, whatever we focus on grows and gathers strength-even when we're focusing on it in order to make it go away.

A far easier way is to encourage your clients to develop the capacity for gratitude. It opens the heart and brings them closer to the experience of grace.

Example:

Your client Alice is working on her hair salon's website with a consultant. He has asked her to give him some content material. She comes to see you highly agitated.

"I don't know how to do what he's asking. I'm not a writer. Whatever I write won't make sense. I couldn't spell my own name if I didn't already have it memorized!"

As her coach, here is a suggestion for an approach you could take:

You: "This is a big step for you."

Alice: "It sure is. I'm going to fail."

You: "I don't suppose there's anything to be grateful for here."

Alice: "Uh. I don't think so!"

You: "Nothing at all. Everything's going wrong."

Alice: "Well......."

You: "Now, don't lighten up too quickly."

Alice: "OK, OK. Last year at this time I didn't think I'd be able to open this business. And here I am about to launch my website. It is a miracle."

You: "Are you sure it's ok to be grateful about that?"

Alice: (Laughing) "Yes, I'm sure."

You: "How about trying an experiment with me? For the next two weeks, keep track of three things for which you are grateful in a notebook by your bedside. If you want you can bring the notebook with you next time and read a few examples out loud. Are you willing?"

Alice: "Sure: as long as you don't look at my spelling." (smiles)

The above scenario actually happened. The following session she brought her notebook and read six or eight items. Soon she was hooked on gratitude and frequently had her notebook with her. Try the above exercise with some of your clients and step aside as fear gives way to joy! They are training their brains to look for what's right instead of what's wrong.

Summary:

We have looked at clarity, focus, ease and grace, and how to develop coaching strategies that employ these four principles. We bring clarity to coaching when we are aware that all of our clients-without exception-are heroes, with goals and dreams and a desire to make a difference. We can support them to focus upon what is already working and upon their creative ideas rather than their customary issues. Ease is attained when clients learn to take small, sweet steps toward goal-attainment, enjoying the journey along the way. Finally, they encounter grace as they awaken to the experience of gratitude.

Coaching is powerful in helping others to live the lives they were meant to live. It is no wonder that many of us consider it to be a philosophy, a profession, and a personally profound calling.

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About our Expert:

Maria Nemeth, Ph.D., MCC, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Master Certified Coach, is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and seminar leader. She is the founder and Creative Director of the Academy for Coaching Excellence. For more than 20 years, Dr. Nemeth has trained professional coaches, ministers, clinicians, executives, teachers, and private individuals using the coaching methods and skills that she has designed. Her courses and workshops have been taken by thousands of people who report significant, extraordinary changes in their lives as a result of these principles.